Dear HR-person at Whatever Co.,
You are recruiting a Person to do Something? Search no more, because here am I! Your future slave to do absolutely anything for a mediocre salary.
Me, that is a surprisingly old (32. I’m 32 years old) PhD-student from Germany who is currently living in Norway. My PhD is on „something with mRNA“ which, for sure, has nothing to do with the position you offer. By the end of the year I will have handed in the PhD-thesis, if I haven’t given up by then, that is. The reason why I am comparably old for someone with an unfinished PhD is that, after I took my masters degree in molecular biotechnology in 2009, I worked for a small company for four years. There I specialized on protein purification and analytics, which, again, probably is completely irrelevant for the job as Someone at Whatever Co.. But, hey, INDUSTRY EXPERIENCE! Depending on what kind of Person you recruit, you might be interested in learning that I also did GMP stuff and QC stuff and clinical trial phase I-III stuff there. Plus research, because my boss wanted to keep me satisfied and not reaching out for the bigger apples, so I got all the company’s research projects. I collaborated with a lot of middle-aged white men from leading pharmaceutical companies, who will surely not remember my name.
Whatever Co. is known for doing stuff. If it was unethical stuff, I wouldn’t apply, but apart from that I don’t really care what stuff it is that you are doing. As long as you employ People to do Something I’m fine with, really, any kind of stuff. Of course, in the job description you state you are searching for a Person that is super experienced in the tiny and highly specialized field of Something, whilst willing to work for the salary of a fresh-from-the-university M. Sc. You also reach out for a Person that is absolutely committed to Whatever Co. and who you can exploit to the burnout. And I understand that, as well as I understand my sons wish for a living pink unicorn, but, see, there are no pink unicorns. And because this is an honest application, I won’t pretend as if I was super specialized or even experienced in Something, neither that I’m committed to Whatever Co.. You offer a job. I can do that job reasonably well and what I don’t know from before I can learn. (Did I mention that I learned first Swedish, than Norwegian, both within a year and as a sideline, and then I was fluent?) I’ll accept the salary issue and work myself to the bone in return for getting the chance.
So, how would Whatever Co. benefit from employing me? Well, you’d get a person with a PhD. Someone who has proven to have an extraordinary level of self-organization, frustration tolerance and stress resistance. Who can become an expert in some tiny field of science within 3-4 years (in my case, it happened to be only 1.5 years, because I changed the topic midways) and then write a book or a series of articles about it. Who learned not to rely on anyone but herself. Who experienced just how badly teams work when they are just a group of single fighters. Who has seen all of that non-GLP and quick-and-dirty, irreproducible research going on in university labs and who would give one of her kidneys to escape from it. Someone who is too honest for her own good (also far too honest ever to become successful in academia), and too meticulous to be popular with her lab mates but doesn’t care about the latter. Someone with a knack for language, writing, social justice and ethics, and rules. I love rules, guidelines, laws and norms. I’m still German, after all. No betrayal in any way ever from me – if that’s not a valid sales argument, what is?
Please find my not-so-straight CV attached. I’ll be happy to provide you with old and irrelevant certificates and references, which I mention as a plural but in fact it’s only my PhD supervisor. I am bracing myself for never being invited to a personal interview with You and Whatever Co..
With honest regards –
(Please hire me.)